a hurting heart...

...since the beginning of the week, God has been taking me on a journey through my heart, my emotions. on monday, the scriptures opened my eyes to the decietful nature of my heart. i had not realized that i had been believing that if my heart desired something and it seemed good, then it must be the best thing for me. but that is not always true. what IS always true is that God always wants and does what is best for me. that is truth.

i thought my journey had ended with this. but of course the Lord wanted me to dig deeper. since going to a concert on monday night, my heart has been both joyful and heavy. how can i feel both of these things at once...the heart is a complicated thing. i speak of heart as basically my soul (being defined as that which includes my thoughts and emotions...excluding the other two parts of me, my spirit and body). so...feeling both of these emotions proves the point that i can't trust what i am feeling...because i can't even really keep it straight.

so...even today i woke up feeling very weighted down. a lot of times in the past this has been because the Lord was giving me a burden to pray for someone or something. so...i asked Him what or who? but no clear answer has come. what in the world? i have been a bit confused.

then, as i was reading an email from a friend who is serving in Spain as a volunteer missionary, i broke down. i began crying and realized that my burden is the feeling of loss. i feel like i have lost a huge part of me...where my desires were released. the Lord has once again confirmed in my heart that He has given me a desire to do full-time ministry...i long to do it. i don't mind working in the traditional sense...but i just have this huge longing to do ministry as my vocation (not ministry in my vocation).

but as i have just learned...i cannot trust my emotions. so, i'm taking this to the Lord and to the scriptures and trusting that God will continue to be my guide and show me where He wants me, when He wants me. i wait on Your word, Lord...I'm ready when you want me...whoa...i just realized that's a big statement...hold me to it, Jesus, and give me the strength!!!